'TUNDIG

"Epic-ness is not the goal, it is the byproduct of a good idea and modest expectations."
-Freshwatersharkosaurus

Act I:
Exodus
The biggest city on The Lake has a traffic problem. Despite poor urban planning, morale is high. 500 miles in to the journey a call is recieved. The telephone screams, "When we get there we'll all be naked within 20 minutes!"

Nonsense.

Act II:
Goddamned Hippies
The barefoot girl from Arizona should have been taken on her word; activities digressed alarmingly quickly to nude fire dances and awkward merriment. From the shore, it seems a group of hairless monkeys are attempting to drown themselves. They look like confused seals. A passing gull would later remark to a companion, "In all your years of flying around and crapping on shit (shitting on crap), have you ever seen so many nipples?" "Once," his friend would say, "back when everything had nipples."

Act III:
Brachiosaurus (arm lizard)
After Leelanau County's booze has been consumed, the world will be left with an unlikely arm-wrestling champion... and a hangover. No one hears the snoring in the basement, which is for the best.

Act IV:
My Kingdom for an Egg Farm
PETA might argue that the consumption of chickens and their byproducts (smaller, cuter chickens... and poops) has reached an alarming rate. After gobbling up hundreds of yummy unhatched chicken babies for breakfast, the naked monkeys have this to say: Make me some more chickens.

Act V:
Gyroscopic Inertia
The men-folk are inexplicably fascinated by frisbees. Despite plans to revisit the beach, they endeavor to throw and catch the frisbees for an absurd length of time while many of the women folk journey to the city for more booze.

Act VI:
The Blue
At length, all will return to the beach to test the frisbee's effectiveness in various aquatic and arenaceous environments. Recreational water sport and exhaustion follow.

Kurt Vonnegut states that in the future humans will have flippers and sharp teeth and the intellect of a herring. Several idiots with snorkel-gear bob in 40 foot water the color of windex and proudly proclaim, "Mr. Vonnegut, the future is now!"

Act VII:
Pork Lion, delicious man-eater? Later on Dateline NBC.
A Tyrannosaur could swallow 500 lbs (that's 100 more than he could curl) of meat and bone in one bite. A tribe of naked monkeys can swallow 500 lbs of pork loin and salad in one bite. Tyrannosaurs don't eat salad, so the monkeys most likely win on versatility. The common weakness? Both Tyrannosaurs and monkeys get super sleepy and pass out afterwards, waking only to burp and scratch their balls*. Although the Tyrannosaur does not have to do dishes later on.

*-It should be noted that it is unknown if Tyrannosaurs actually have balls... not that they could scratch them with those tiny arms anyway. Losers.

Act VIII:
On the High Seas
After a brief nap and vigorous ball-scratching (that's how you know it was good loin), an away team is sent to a neighboring port on a critter-gathering mission with a local sea captain. Out on The Lake, several salmon critters are landed and killed with a stick. The crew then spot a shipping freighter older than the Titanic, which they choose to investigate then pillage for its rare and valuable tusks.

Act IX:
Fact:
Me and Freshwatersharkosaurus
Climbed up in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N... gee!

Freshwatersharkosaurus
Ate a Hong Kong tanker
Spit out the parts he didn't like
Spit out all the...___!

Act X:
Mass Extinction
At the beach, but too tired to get naked, many monkeys find themselves the victims of lame circumstances. Other monkeys, however, find the will to get drunk and consume 15 ears of corn.

Act XI:
Lo
In the morning a man is found in the driveway, presumably deposited by aliens, who deplored his whiskey-breath. The seagulls take turns crapping on him until, "Hark! Driveway-dweller," shouts a man with a soccer ball, "dare not dawdle a damned moment more, dhe dunder dnd dightning dill destroy dou df dou dinger." Meanwhile, ancestors turn in graves.

Act XII:
One-Liners
The day is savored in good company until, at last, none of the monkeys can further tolerate the smell of their unbathed companions. 16 wheels speed them away along a string of gas stations and fast food eateries towards varied abodes and, ultimately, some very strong toilets.

Tear.

Smile.

Scratch.

Giggle.

.